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Journey to Fatherhood – Part 4

December 18, 2009 7 comments

I flew from Hyderabad to Lucknow (my parent’s place) to be with my wife during the delivery. It was very relieving after every thing went on smoothly. When a child arrives, we want to keep the memories of baby’s early years alive. We take hundreds of baby pictures and videos so that we can relive the memories whenever we want. Loads and loads of shopping are done from nappies to wardrobe to welcome the new guest in the family. . We prepare a great feast and invite friends and relatives. At the end of the feasting and merriment, each of visiting members make a wish for the baby. Sweets are distributed among the relatives and neighbours and many rituals are performed to celebrate the beginning of a new generation. Naming ceremony is performed on a specific date under perfect suitable astrological state as suggested by priests after proper name is identified for the baby. All the above mentioned activities were carried out at the birth of my baby too.

But I never wanted to be a mere witness and show my fatherly emotions only while playing with the baby. I was with my wife and baby only for 12 days and then I had to come back to my workplace, leaving them with my parents for another 4 months. I know that I will be raising my kid and fulfil my responsibilities of being a father, but I wanted to experience that period also when my kid was only a few days old and giving me sleepless nights. Moreover, I also wanted to take care of wife after her operation during whatever time I could spend with her before returning to Hyderabad. So I ensured that I would be with my baby and my wife for all those nights I would be in Lucknow.

After spending 5 nights in hospital, it was a real test to begin back at home as there were no nurses and we had to do it all on our own. Since Pooja took a big cut in surgery, so she was yet not comfortable to get up from the bed without any support. Somebody always had to be with her to get her anything she needed. Now I was ready to be on duty, sorry..I wont call it duty because at times a duty could be forced upon, but for me it was by choice to experience the celestial experience of life.

Surely, babies have such a great life !! But poor thing, they never remember what luxury of life they had enjoyed when they were toddlers.

Now when my baby’s naming ceremony is over, I will call him by his name, Darsh. Just about everything Darsh does is so cute and adorable. While sleeping, he smiles…changes his facial expressions, makes strange sounds, all that is so mesmerizing to watch.

Ohh.. I was telling you about spending my nights with Darsh, but got deviated in due course. As Darsh had no sleeping pattern, so we also had follow his timings to take sleep. Like any other new born baby, to notify us of any of his activity or hunger, Darsh would only cry. If he was not sleeping and probably getting bored lying on the bed and wanted attention, he would start crying for somebody to lift him up. I always tried to wake up on Darsh’s wakeup call anytime during night before Pooja got disturbed. As I said, just about everything he does is so cute, even his stinky messy poop (you might have shrunk your eyebrows reading this, but believe me you might as well say the same thing after you will become a father). It took me a while to get over my resistance to change poopy nappies. But being a modern father, I really enjoyed changing his nappies many times in a night. I would only disturb Pooja whenever it was necessary.

Darsh was mostly sleeping in daytime and woke up during night, especially mid-night to 4’O Clock early morning. Sometimes he wanted proper entertainment when half of the world was sleeping. So I had to lift him and walk here and there talking to him in non-understandable languages. Exhausting at times, sometimes even frustrating, but I was loving each and every moment. These are the moments which I want to cherish forever in my life. I know someday things will change, but I wish it does not….

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"He"- Perhaps Me

February 1, 2008 1 comment

What to tell about my super busy days during the last few months, you can easily imagine when I am getting so much time to write these blogs to bore you all. Any ways, new things may look good on the first glimpse. But this statement does not stand true for the protagonist of this story when he landed in a completely new city for his first job. Sometimes, present gives the glimpse of future and same happened with him also. Who knew the frustration built up during his joining period would continue for months after in the job.

First day in the city; they seven people gathered from different cities of India at a hotel accommodation provided by their (would be) company. Everyone was very happy, after all that was not only a new job for them but first job also. That night he curled up into his pillow bed and kept on turning and tossing entire night, sometimes staring at the roof also. This was not because of any nervousness but because of the excitement. Later on, he did not remember when he slept that night but woke up early morning to prepare him for the first day at office.

At scheduled time they all met in the hotel lobby. Could not say about others, but he was definitely on cloud nine. Together they started for office and reached even before the HRs might have reached. However, they were made to sit in the lobby and wait for the concerned HR to come and start their joining process. So many things were going on into the mind of each and everyone, like where they would be placed, what domain they would be allocated to, etc., etc. The wait was stretching and soon restlessness took over them. Every time someone came outside they would think of HR coming towards them to start with. Soon few hours passed and he stepped on to the first step of frustration. It was getting hard for him to sit any more. After three or four hours, someone came and told them to go back to the hotel and come later only when asked on phone. Now as if he wanted to scream. He was finding it difficult to suppress his emotions. After all such a long wait brought no result. He wanted to provide himself a channel to express his feelings out but to no avail. They all returned empty handed. Some went for shopping, some went for fagging. He went to the beach and stayed there for few hours.

Next morning, fresh day starts with new colors to be painted on the canvas of new corporate life. A never ending wait of phone call begins. One day passed, two days passed. Third day they decided to visit the company HRs again. The first day story repeats itself. There was a topsy-turvy ambience. Nothing looked in order. Several days passed like this only. The charm of first job was diminishing somewhere. He had such a harum-scarum days that he felt dampen chances of joining. Without any discussion, inside only, perhaps everyone was reaching an understanding to take some extreme step, might be to resign before joining. That was the only way out, they thought to extinguish their anxiety and anger for the sake of being pleasant. Suddenly one day, they were bestowed with the most coveted. They were called upon and after a long day formality their joining formality concluded. Little over a half month long mental trauma came to an end. Everyone took a sigh of relief.

Wait… Wait… Don’t go away, because, “picture abhi baaki hai”.

Since then to till now, almost seven months passed, he has yet not been able to understand what lies beneath his emotions. Emotions, which are influencing and being influenced by his thoughts in both cognitive and physical forms, seem being suppressed till now. Ab initio, he wished for job, he got it. He wished for a decent start, he got that too. Now what else is chasing him that where he was emotionally few months back during joining has yet not moved a bit? Something unrealized is still spreading its tentacles into the undiscovered corners of his mind. He wants to reach out somewhere, to cherish his dreams and meet his expectations, being guided by unnamed but every time he finds that there is something else beyond that. It’s like a mirage duping him again and again the time he reaches to quench his thirst in search of a reservoir. He does not know where this search will end. Is it that the difference between reality and fantasy has remained undistinguished for him? Shall it take him up or down? That also does not mean one should stop chasing his dreams and allow god to dictate his goals. I am leaving this up to you to answer him. But that is for sure, the agitation in his mind won’t let him rest here as something else is waiting ahead.

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